Men's Fear Of Commitment
77Why are men so afraid of commitment or marriage? Here's an honest opinion piece. First of all, I've never been afraid of marriage. There have been times where I have been purely uninterested in marriage with someone I've dated, but that's far from having fear. Like men, there are some women that just simply aren't marriage material. Personally, I've found that the primary reason why I haven't had interest in getting married is because there's a complete lack of good women out there.
Here are just a small handful of red flags that men tend to look at in order to determine if a girl is marriage material:
(1) For some bizzare reason, it has become completely acceptable, and I think, even fissionable for women to say something like "I have OCD", "I'm bipolar", or any other random psychological or health disorder. Some girls are looking for pity. And a guy is able to give it in what I suppose might be called a none-commital relationship. What the guy doesn't want to do it spend the thousands of dollars providing for her plus the thousands more it will take to send her to her psychiatrist, doctor, or insurance. That's a big red flag right there. High maintenance women and men shouldn't have to deal with that. Women are living, breathing, thinking human beings. If being in a relationship with a girl reminds a guy of taking care of a childhood pet, then it's a safe bet to say that the guy has lost all long term interest in the girl.
(2) A big red flag is when women constantly want sympathy. It's understandable if she's having a bad day or something, but if all she wants to do is bitch, complain, pretend to be confident, and just want to be told how deprived she is, then the girl is a waste of time. Most especially if the girl acts like an inanimate object whenever her significant other is with her and calls this "seperation anxiety"... it's not seperation anxiety. It's being an idiot.
(3) For one irritating reason or another, women tend to think that it's the man's responsibility to make her happy. Though it's true that the guy needs to be cordial and get along with his significant other, he doesn't need to make anyone happy. Girls like to play out the "damsel in distress" and guys may go for it for a little while, but if the girl is both her own damsel and her own dragon, guys tend to catch on. It's idiotic to think that a guy will even attempt to save a girl from HERSELF. If a girl is self distructive then she'll be distructive to the relationship and to the guy's happiness. These girls aren't worth any time.
The only time that I've ever notticed that a guy has ever bothered to stick around a woman like that is when she's undeniably gordious. If that's what's most important to him, then that's his privolege. But personally speaking, I'd rather get together with an ugly girl with tons of productive personality than just have a pretty face in bed.
The bedroom is great, especially when the girl is beautiful, but most of people's time spent in bed is asleep. Smart men need to and do consider the 90% of their waking hours. And if a girl is just out of their mind and waving all these red flags and is saying: "I think we should get married" then I can safely tell you that if the guy has half a brain, he's not going to be interested. And so people assume that it's because he's afraid of commitment when he's just using his brain.
There's many many more red flags to look out for. For some reason it just seems like women think that they can get away with going the oposite direction as common sense because they have a button nose, good lips, and amazing hips... for these women, things may work out for you in the short term, but they sure won't work out for you in the long term.
If you meet someone and your hormones are flaring up and you feel that rush of pure fun and gittiness... and you just want to be with that person.... that's not love. That's called hormones. It's thinking with your penis or vagina. Basing a relationship on that is stupid because then you'll miss all the red flags. For some reason people think that relationships are all hormones and emotions. They're not. It should almost entirely be an intelectual effort. If the girl or the guy doesn't seem like they have anything to offer you other than good looks and time in the sack then you're wasting your life away. You need to think about how you're compatable. How will you and your skills be able to help this person become better and assist them in their daily life? And how will they make life easier an fun for you. How will they be able to improve your quality of life? Do you enjoy doing things for this person? Do they inspire you. Do they get you to WANT to do good things you've lacked motivation to do in the past? Is it all just emotional gittiness when you're doing it or is it all a genuine change of mind that you get when you're not just with the person physically but generally in the relationship with them?
It takes about two years for you to know if you really love someone or not. A guy needs to meet her family. He needs to know not only the environment his girl grew up in but what type of upbringing. Is her family sound or completely out of their mind? If there's any deep dark secrets of the family, it'll take time for him to uncover it. For example, if she grew up in a strange cult. Not only is that another red flag, but it's also something that can and does happen. In fact, I personally was in a relationship where I learned just that from herr family. It took time, but I found it out. Once the cat was out of the bag, they all began to openly act cultish and it wasn't long afterward that the relationship came to a complete end. When a man sees too many red flags, he needs to be able to either run for the hills instead of thinking it's a challenge and thinking that he may, in time, change the girl... or save that self distructive damsel giving herself her own distress.
And for the most part. I feel this suppossed "fear of commitment" is this very thing. The guy is using his brain. He's fully investigating the situation. He's trying to get something done. Men who don't do this. Men who think that their common sense nature is just fear and just set it asside and get married... these are the men that cause high divorce rates. These are the men that wind up miserable and wind up having their children grow up wondering who their daddy was, just simply because the guy couldn't stand living another momment with the wife.
I think too much blame is placed on the man "being afraid of commitment". If the girl wants to convince the man to stop being afraid, maybe the girl needs to look inward and think "maybe it's because I suck" and then try to get her shit straight.
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I'd have to say that most of your red flags are the same ones that pop up for me when looking at guys. I think that commitment isn't the complete issue (although certainly both men and women don't understand how much is required for a relationship to work), it's do I want to be committed to this person. I think if people spent a lot more time asking themselves these questions, people of all sexes, then there would be more stable marriages, relationships, and by extension better communities. I agree with you that a lot of people confuse love with a lot of other things, however I think people develop love at different rates.
One big flag that's missing from all that's been talked about is the factor of time. Over time people change, either for the better or worse. The person I was married to is not the same person I married. I ended up divorcing not only the woman but also the changes she had gone through over time (14 years). Would have never married her if I had know that later on she would end up doing a complete turn around in her life and become someone I hardly knew anymore. All I can say is that it is impossible to understand this factor, except in retrospect. Now that I'm older I figure I'll have a better chance of getting to know the woman I am interested in because she has already been through her changes. Therefore I will have a better idea of who she is, which will make it a lot less impossible for me to be able to understand what is going on before I go too far. I haven't changed since the 7th grade, in terms of knowing what my interests are, where I stand politically, and spiritually - not that I have ever considered myself to be religious. I also believe in the old adage about treating others as one wants to be treated - with respect. Who says getting older doesn't have its advantages? I'm 58. Wondering how many flags I just raised?
lindagoffigan 2 years ago
An honest but difficult to understand post concerning red flags that were not identified and the word stupidity used an awful lot. Commitment is still a challenge for most men who knows that the responsibility of the relationship most of the time falls on them being there when needed. Good to know that you are in a relationshp and I wish the best for the two of you.